Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
M.I.A.
I'm gonna bore you with lyrics that have nothing to do with my life whatsoever i just think they are badass and are so true about war.
Staring at the carnage, praying that the sun would never rise
Living another day in disguise
These feelings can't be right, lend me your courage to stand up and fight
Onnn tonight
Stand up and fight
The fighting rages on and on, to challenge me you must be strong.
I walk your land but don't belong, two million soldiers can't be wrong
It's no fun but I've been here before
I'm far from home and I'm fighting your war
(Not the way I pictured this, I wanted better things)
Some are scared others killing for fun, I shot a mother right in front of her son
(Take this from my consciousness and please erase my dreams)
Fight for honor, fight for your life
Pray to God that our side is right
Although we won I still may lose, until I make it home to you
I see our mothers filled with tears, grew up so fast where did those years go?
Memories won't let you cry, unless I don't return tonight
So many soldiers on the other side, I take their lives so they can't take mine
(Scared to make it out alive now, murder's all I know)
Nobody tells me all the reasons we're here, I have my weapon so there's nothing to fear
(Another day, another life, but nothing real to show for)
Fight for honor, fight for your life
Pray to god that our side is right
Although we won I still may lose, until I make it home to you
I see our mothers filled with tears, grew up so fast where did those years go?
Memories won't let you cry, unless I don't return tonight
Staring at the carnage, praying that the sun would never rise
Living another day in disguise
These feelings can't be right, lend me your courage to stand up and fight
Watching the death toll rise wondering how I'm alive
Stranger's blood on my hands, shot all I can
There were no silent nights watching your brothers all die
To destroy all their plans with no thought of me (No thought of me)
No thought of me
I Walk the city lonely, memories that haunt are passing by
A murderer walks your streets tonight
Forgive me for my crimes
Don't forget that I was so young, fought so scared
In the name of God and Country
And if you actually took the time to read them they are so true eh. Yea war is terrible I see no reason for any of it. It's all bullshit, when the rich wage war it's the poor who die. If the rich had to fight the wars they wouldnt be waging any bullshit wars like this. but yea theres my random war's bad chat. I'd like to start writing daily in my blog but somehow i cant see myself getting around to it sadly.
But well yea in other news, lifes good. Everything seems to be perfect for almost everybody. I'm getting alot closer with everyone at thss which is cool, and the whole clash that happened with erin and maddy seems to be fine now so really everythings all good =)
It's funny how fast life changes on you, a little less then a month ago i was crushed about the whole megan thing and there were troubles with old friends and life just sucked but now not even a month later everything all fixed up, me and megan are tight again but in a brother sister sense, which is pretty awesome. She's fun to hang around and im really glad we never went out now because it would have just been weird. We're so much better just as great friends. And then there's Kaity which personally i wasnt really expecting her to start liking me like that so suddenly but who's complaining. It's amazing. I'll ask her out eventually probably in a month or so. Get to know her better and stuff and anyways in the past i found that if i acted on stuff like this too soon it never ended well. But with Megan I blame Emma she was really edging me to act quickly on it even though i was really unsure XD. But whatever i see now that all that not working out was for the best and yea everything happens for a reason right.
Yea today the last 2 blocks were awesome =) I just got to spend 2 blocks talking with Kaity. Man it sure didnt feel like 2 hours though, fastest two hours of my life. We didnt even talk about anything important. Just random stuff that Kaity was going to do during the school year like how i thought she should rent a bus and drive it around with a discoball and have people dancing in the back. and how she should dress up in a panda costume and run around the school telling scary stories. Haha I love how we can just talk about the most random stuff ever and just laugh about it for hours. I love her sense of humour and how it's always so much fun to talk to her about anything at all. We even manage to turn talking about how you're only aloud one person per table in the library into the funniest thing ever and we end up laughing for the whole block about bunny buddys.
She's cute, funny, nice and beautiful. There is nothing wrong with her.
And like every other girl I know at that school she loves how I'm a drummer and a bad ass rocker XD
And yea most of my friends lives are going great too. Max has his stuff going on but I'm sure things will turn out great for him, i have no doubt in my mind about that. There's Erin and Dylan, Jeremy and Cassidy, Deena's got Dylan. Heck even Matt's got Tanna and then there's Sean and Kassy or whatver her name is. for the most part everybodies got something going for them and im happy for all of them =)
So yea i guess thats about it for now. Wow that was a pretty long post and there i used paragraphs this time, somewhat.
Staring at the carnage, praying that the sun would never rise
Living another day in disguise
These feelings can't be right, lend me your courage to stand up and fight
Onnn tonight
Stand up and fight
The fighting rages on and on, to challenge me you must be strong.
I walk your land but don't belong, two million soldiers can't be wrong
It's no fun but I've been here before
I'm far from home and I'm fighting your war
(Not the way I pictured this, I wanted better things)
Some are scared others killing for fun, I shot a mother right in front of her son
(Take this from my consciousness and please erase my dreams)
Fight for honor, fight for your life
Pray to God that our side is right
Although we won I still may lose, until I make it home to you
I see our mothers filled with tears, grew up so fast where did those years go?
Memories won't let you cry, unless I don't return tonight
So many soldiers on the other side, I take their lives so they can't take mine
(Scared to make it out alive now, murder's all I know)
Nobody tells me all the reasons we're here, I have my weapon so there's nothing to fear
(Another day, another life, but nothing real to show for)
Fight for honor, fight for your life
Pray to god that our side is right
Although we won I still may lose, until I make it home to you
I see our mothers filled with tears, grew up so fast where did those years go?
Memories won't let you cry, unless I don't return tonight
Staring at the carnage, praying that the sun would never rise
Living another day in disguise
These feelings can't be right, lend me your courage to stand up and fight
Watching the death toll rise wondering how I'm alive
Stranger's blood on my hands, shot all I can
There were no silent nights watching your brothers all die
To destroy all their plans with no thought of me (No thought of me)
No thought of me
I Walk the city lonely, memories that haunt are passing by
A murderer walks your streets tonight
Forgive me for my crimes
Don't forget that I was so young, fought so scared
In the name of God and Country
And if you actually took the time to read them they are so true eh. Yea war is terrible I see no reason for any of it. It's all bullshit, when the rich wage war it's the poor who die. If the rich had to fight the wars they wouldnt be waging any bullshit wars like this. but yea theres my random war's bad chat. I'd like to start writing daily in my blog but somehow i cant see myself getting around to it sadly.
But well yea in other news, lifes good. Everything seems to be perfect for almost everybody. I'm getting alot closer with everyone at thss which is cool, and the whole clash that happened with erin and maddy seems to be fine now so really everythings all good =)
It's funny how fast life changes on you, a little less then a month ago i was crushed about the whole megan thing and there were troubles with old friends and life just sucked but now not even a month later everything all fixed up, me and megan are tight again but in a brother sister sense, which is pretty awesome. She's fun to hang around and im really glad we never went out now because it would have just been weird. We're so much better just as great friends. And then there's Kaity which personally i wasnt really expecting her to start liking me like that so suddenly but who's complaining. It's amazing. I'll ask her out eventually probably in a month or so. Get to know her better and stuff and anyways in the past i found that if i acted on stuff like this too soon it never ended well. But with Megan I blame Emma she was really edging me to act quickly on it even though i was really unsure XD. But whatever i see now that all that not working out was for the best and yea everything happens for a reason right.
Yea today the last 2 blocks were awesome =) I just got to spend 2 blocks talking with Kaity. Man it sure didnt feel like 2 hours though, fastest two hours of my life. We didnt even talk about anything important. Just random stuff that Kaity was going to do during the school year like how i thought she should rent a bus and drive it around with a discoball and have people dancing in the back. and how she should dress up in a panda costume and run around the school telling scary stories. Haha I love how we can just talk about the most random stuff ever and just laugh about it for hours. I love her sense of humour and how it's always so much fun to talk to her about anything at all. We even manage to turn talking about how you're only aloud one person per table in the library into the funniest thing ever and we end up laughing for the whole block about bunny buddys.
She's cute, funny, nice and beautiful. There is nothing wrong with her.
And like every other girl I know at that school she loves how I'm a drummer and a bad ass rocker XD
And yea most of my friends lives are going great too. Max has his stuff going on but I'm sure things will turn out great for him, i have no doubt in my mind about that. There's Erin and Dylan, Jeremy and Cassidy, Deena's got Dylan. Heck even Matt's got Tanna and then there's Sean and Kassy or whatver her name is. for the most part everybodies got something going for them and im happy for all of them =)
So yea i guess thats about it for now. Wow that was a pretty long post and there i used paragraphs this time, somewhat.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Yea why not write again.
Well I can say now without lying to myself that I'm 100% over Megan! And in case you can't tell I'm also 100% done with the code name type things, those were lame. But yeah, now I can just be friends and only friends with Megan which is pretty sweet because she's really fun to talk to and to just spend time with. But now it seems like someone else likes me, and it just so happens to be the same girl that I've liked for the past 5 months!!! only stopping for about 3 weeks while I liked Megan. She just broke up with her ex friday apparently because for one he was a controlling dick and because she likes me now =D. So that's pretty awesome! So yeah I'm really happy right now so be warned if I go off on random tangents and make no sense when I'm talking, and take way to long to explain things and stuff like that. (that always happens when I'm like this) of course I won't get my hopes to high because I might not be right about her liking me, but with what people have said and the way Kaitie's was acting around me today, I don't see how I could be wrong. But it's always a possibility and I acknowledge that, but still I'm just gonna be blissful and not worry about that possibility. Really right now I don't really see anything wrong with life and the things that are I'm not gonna focus on because I don't want to kill my buzz. But I mean, almost all of my friends have girlfriends or boyfriends at the moment, everythings good between me and Megan now, we're tight again and nothings awkward between us anymore. As far as I know things are alright between me and maddy and erin. I hope so at least. I havent made any more wild tails or ran from anyone, ive been hanging out with them, and like I have before I'm happy to spend time with them, but now im making more of an effort to show it. So i hope that stuffs all good now. If not then what can you do, I've been trying. So really life is pretty damn good =D. Well yeah I had alot more stuff to say but I went and did something else and completely forgot. So yeah this is done, and no paragraphs once again muahaha
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Iasilm8MtNoei4vglEa2LN351
Try and crack the code if you want, if anyone could crack it it would be one of the two(hopefully still only two) people who read this. It's a fairly simple one, if you can't get it you're thinking to hard. If you can figure out what the numbers mean the rest will come very easily to you. I'm done with the whole randomly generated names, i forgot who was who and am too lazy to remember. I also don't know why but it's 8:30...I'm listening to Sum 41, they're pretty good. My mood changes too frequently, one day I really miss Megan the next I don't care, the next I miss her more than ever, then I'll go days without caring and then start caring again, but whatever, when have I ever been known to keep the same mindset or same opinion on something for any longer than a few days. One moment I'll feel like shit and just want to die, then hours later I'll be out having the time of my life totally happy with people I barely even know. I guess an exception might be with who I like, if anyone knows who I actually like it means I like them enough to not change my mind easily, but sometimes i tend to lie about who I like to hide the truth, for the sole reason of just not wanting to tell anyone. I had other stuff to say but I cant remember them, i'm way too tired, so i may as well sleep, got nothing better to do. Random fact: every word used in this blog has been used in some song lyrics sometime in the past. omg
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Trapped in a hellish dream, drifiting to worlds unseen
k, well whatever I'm extremely bored and havent posted in here for a while. Well by now I've gone longer without Megan than I have with her but she just can't escape my thoughts, I see her in my dreams everynight and... well... it just sucks. Well at least I sleep well I guess, although every morning I come to the harsh realization that it was all just a dream, day after day. But then again all this happening doesn't really bother me all that much anymore, sure I wish that we were together and happy but I don't know for some reason I get the feeling that I'll look back on this and be glad it happened, whether it be because she just goes downhill from here and gets back with her "uptown" friends or that we will end up having a relationship later in life that we would have never have been able to have is this all went through. I dont know, it doesn't seem like she completely forgot about me, some of the things she says... well i dont know. Maybe its just me being optimistic, trying to get over her hoping for the best sortof thing. Lie to myself, whatever gets me through another day. But really I would give anything to just hold again. boxing day, that had to have been one of the best days of my life, I don't think I've ever had so much fun, and sitting in the theaters with her... All I felt was happiness and the strange thing is is that she's said the same thing... But for the time being I dont mind being single too much, its not too bad I guess, theres a good amount a trouble that comes from dating usually, especially emotional stress. Screw paragraphs im above that. I hate it when people take life to seriously, its like they are actually trying to live through it, why bother. Why not release into above it all, with time, without it who needs it what did it ever do, to enhance the time you spend on this earth yet it all happens again, without us knowing or needing, take back the knowledge fight back the ride, and jump into the game. Well I've gotten ppl back before, I can probably do again, but later. although last time i did someone stood in the way of it all, i dont really care anymore, but when i look back on how much i did before and how much it hurt and ate away at me then yea i think it matters. I dont see how someone could be so selfish and put their own feeling above those of who used to be her best friend and her ex. It just baffles the mind and definitely bothers me to think she could do that, but whatever its in the past but cant be erased so we'll leave it at that. I don't like this feeling, I'm sinking like a stone. Two weeks you ran away (well in about 4 hours)
Monday, January 5, 2009
Just a quick post before I go to sleep
Well today was a snow day so there was no school, but tomorrow there will most likely be school but only for the high schools.... so that's pretty lame. I hope there will be no school tomorrow because I have math and socials which is pretty lame, but i guess it will be pretty awesome seeing everybody again at school tomorrow. I'd rather stay home though haha.
But yea today was kinda boring and uneventful. Got up at 7 shoveled the driveway (that fucking sucked), played PSO until like noon XD, then went to Derek's place with Jack. It was pretty boring... actually really boring. So we got out of there eventually and then I hung out with Alfred for a while. So that's my exciting day.
But I'm tired and I have school tomorrow so I should really get some sleep. Peace out!
But yea today was kinda boring and uneventful. Got up at 7 shoveled the driveway (that fucking sucked), played PSO until like noon XD, then went to Derek's place with Jack. It was pretty boring... actually really boring. So we got out of there eventually and then I hung out with Alfred for a while. So that's my exciting day.
But I'm tired and I have school tomorrow so I should really get some sleep. Peace out!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
I haz profile pic!!
Haha, so as the title states, I haz profile pic!!! Just some cool animated character I found on my travels. It's from a pretty cool game too, haha. Well yea I'm just waiting for my friend Alfred to get here and then we are gonna geek out and play that game for hours on end. Something to take my mind off past events. Yea I'm sure nobodies heard of the game and if you have you either hate it or love it haha, PSO (Phantasy Star Online). I'm really not big into video games like most guys, but this game is one game that I can play for non-stop hours.
I'm really not digging the going back to school thing tomorow, I'd rather just stay home and not go to school. That would be nice, like maybe a snow day or something, but yea. I've been up since 11, ugh. I wanted to sleep more but I knew I had to get up or else I'd never be able to get to sleep tonight. Have to go to bed at like 10, so lame.
I guess I'm looking forward to going back to rockschool, I have rock school tomorow but shit I still don't know sugar like at all... but i know tribute so I guess we'll play alot of D and RHCP. Haha that rhymed.
K, well I guess I'm done with this for now, time to go play PSO!!!!
I'm really not digging the going back to school thing tomorow, I'd rather just stay home and not go to school. That would be nice, like maybe a snow day or something, but yea. I've been up since 11, ugh. I wanted to sleep more but I knew I had to get up or else I'd never be able to get to sleep tonight. Have to go to bed at like 10, so lame.
I guess I'm looking forward to going back to rockschool, I have rock school tomorow but shit I still don't know sugar like at all... but i know tribute so I guess we'll play alot of D and RHCP. Haha that rhymed.
K, well I guess I'm done with this for now, time to go play PSO!!!!
First post..Hooray!
Hmm... well i don't know how to really start one of these things. I guess you just write about anything that comes to mind, kinda what doing now. Well i guess I'll just write a bit about my oh soo interesting life.
I'll start of by stating a little about myself. In this blog i guess i'll go by then name of Cain Redfeild for the sole purpose of the rare occurence that someone i know might come across this blog and gain access to my personal feelings. I'm a male highschool student currently enrolled grade 10 and will graduate in what, 2011 i guess. I've been drumming for the past year now, I guess I would consider myself to be pretty good at it too. I drum for a couple bands at school but I've only played one gig to date. I'll just say it was the most amazing experience of my life, way too much fun. Yea I play a little bit of bass and guitar too, but yea music is a giant part of my life, I love it all... except Indie I really hate that genre.
If things went my way I would become a famous rock drummer and go down in history and then this blog would become the most famous blog ever because it would be the blog of the famous Chr... Cain Redfeild! But then i guess if thing went my way I wouldn't be so lonely right now and would be able to hold Melody in my arms once more. I may as well explain for you readers because I'm sure many of you are reading this. Well... a few weeks ago, the last day of school before the Christmas holidays, i met this girl who will go by the name of Melody. She seemed like a pretty great girl, she was really pretty, nice and fun loving. But she was taken... So I didn't expect to get the news i received later that night.
I went on msn that night and my friend Emily was online, so we started talking and then she started telling me how Melody had tons of fun with me at the dance earlier that day (it was some silly school dance where everyone danced to country music and had alot of fun). I was really shocked to hear that but i for some reason I was really happy. That's when it all started. Emily started talking about how Melody said that she kinda has a thing for me and that she thinks Melody likes me more than her current boyfriend Isaac. Then Emily proceeded to ask me who I liked. "Kaitlyn?" she asked "Olivia?" I responded "nah not anymore" to both of them. Them she asks "Melody??" and i guess my pause gave it away but a few seconds afterwards she just goes crazy all like "Omg, it is Melody isn't it? I knew it" I figured I may as well tell her then so I do, i tell her that yea I think I like Melody too. Then she starts talking about how cute it is and stuff, then she asks her if I want to talk to her. Confused I ask what she means, and she tells me that Melody's right behind her because Emily was sleeping over at her place. Apparently Melody didn't see anything me and Emily said but I doubt that was true. But anyways, I start talking to this girl that I barely even know, and we talk for hours and hours, i think the exact number was 5, until about 5 in the morning. By the end I had started to really like her and I was happy that she had mutual feelings for me.
A few days later I'm invited to go tabogoning with Melody, Emily, Drew and Corey. Time with Melody? How could I refuse so I came along and has a really great time, we took tons of pictures and just had a great time, Then afterwards Melody, Emily and I headed back to Melody's house to hang out for a while and warm up. We ended up staying there from 5-10. Afterwards I was talking to Emily on msn and she was talking about how much fun Melody had and how whenever i left the room she told her how happy she was that I was there. Hearing that made me soo happy, I was starting to get some really strong feelings for Melody.
Then a few days later Isaac broke up with Melody, even though she didn't care for him as much it still hurt her, and the fact that Isaac refused her friendship as well and just wanted to completely leave her behind. So yea she kinda cared about that.
The next day Melody, Emily, Jack, Lena and I went to go hang out at Melody's house. It was one of the funnest nights ever, we must have taken about 300 pictures that night.
So I talked to Emily a few days later to see how Melody felt about me still and then Emily told me that she isn't ready for a relationship quite yet but I should tell her how I feel about her anyways. I asked a few times if she was sure this is the right thing to do and she assured me it was the right choice. So alright I followed her advice, I expressed my feeling for her in the best way I knew, in a poem. That I gave to her on boxing day when we went shopping just the two of us. I gave it to her while walking through the snow, i thought it was the best time. So yea she seemed to really like it, we went to the movies afterwards, saw yes man but more importantly we just cuddled the whole movie and held hands. Afterwards we went to boston pizza for virgin margaritas and cheesecake haha.
Later on Emily was saying to me how Melody wouldn't shut up about the poem I wrote and how she really liked me. I was starting to feel myself fall in love with her. After that night I couldn't stop thinking about her, she was all I ever thought about or cared about. So when new years came around, alot of freinds gathered for a party and after the countdown everyone ran outside screaming and yelling. All the guys but Jack took their shirts and ran around, Corey even took his pants off and dove into the snow, haha. But then at about 12:02 I went up to Melody gave her a hug and wished her a happy new years. But the hug never ended and soon turned into making out. My heart was racing, I had never felt so happy in my life. When the kiss ended I asked her out, she agreed...after a short pause that is.
At the moment I didn't know what to make of it all i knew was that it wasn't good... Jack and I got Picked up from Drew's house at 1:30am. The whole car ride home I was worrying, Jack was congratulating me but I knew that something was wrong. The two us get back to my house eat some food and then sit at the computer. Melody's online, she said she needed to talk to me... I knew I was fucked. She told me that she didn't think we would work out... she wasn't even willing to give it a shot. She said she got some weird gut feeling or something when we kissed that told her it was wrong. She said it was because she wasn't over Isaac yet, I still don't know if that was the truth. She also said she didn't feel she was ready for a relationship yet, the most common bullshit excuse a girl can give. I don't know maybe she was telling the truth, all i knew is that I just wanted to cry. I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up, i was just crushed. But I didn't cry, not sure why maybe it's because i was too shocked or maybe because Jack was there right beside me but I felt like shit. She then said that she didn't have anything else to say, and then logged off.
Jack and I shut off the computer and that night we talked for hours about it, I didn't want to talk about it but I didn't feel like sleeping either because I knew I couldn't... I was alone again and was just in so much pain. I didn't understand it either, I still don't she liked me so much but all of a sudden discarded me, I didn't even know it was possible. I don't know if she still likes me or if she lost all feellings for me in a matter of hours or what.
But last night we talked on msn again like we did before new years. We talked from 10pm-7am on webcam the last half, I don't know what to make of it all, all i know is that I still love her and as much as I want to I can't just forget about her the same way she forgot about me. Did she even forget about me? All these questions kill me for I have no answers...
But I guess that concludes my first post, Welcome to my exciting and at the moment shitty life!
I'll start of by stating a little about myself. In this blog i guess i'll go by then name of Cain Redfeild for the sole purpose of the rare occurence that someone i know might come across this blog and gain access to my personal feelings. I'm a male highschool student currently enrolled grade 10 and will graduate in what, 2011 i guess. I've been drumming for the past year now, I guess I would consider myself to be pretty good at it too. I drum for a couple bands at school but I've only played one gig to date. I'll just say it was the most amazing experience of my life, way too much fun. Yea I play a little bit of bass and guitar too, but yea music is a giant part of my life, I love it all... except Indie I really hate that genre.
If things went my way I would become a famous rock drummer and go down in history and then this blog would become the most famous blog ever because it would be the blog of the famous Chr... Cain Redfeild! But then i guess if thing went my way I wouldn't be so lonely right now and would be able to hold Melody in my arms once more. I may as well explain for you readers because I'm sure many of you are reading this. Well... a few weeks ago, the last day of school before the Christmas holidays, i met this girl who will go by the name of Melody. She seemed like a pretty great girl, she was really pretty, nice and fun loving. But she was taken... So I didn't expect to get the news i received later that night.
I went on msn that night and my friend Emily was online, so we started talking and then she started telling me how Melody had tons of fun with me at the dance earlier that day (it was some silly school dance where everyone danced to country music and had alot of fun). I was really shocked to hear that but i for some reason I was really happy. That's when it all started. Emily started talking about how Melody said that she kinda has a thing for me and that she thinks Melody likes me more than her current boyfriend Isaac. Then Emily proceeded to ask me who I liked. "Kaitlyn?" she asked "Olivia?" I responded "nah not anymore" to both of them. Them she asks "Melody??" and i guess my pause gave it away but a few seconds afterwards she just goes crazy all like "Omg, it is Melody isn't it? I knew it" I figured I may as well tell her then so I do, i tell her that yea I think I like Melody too. Then she starts talking about how cute it is and stuff, then she asks her if I want to talk to her. Confused I ask what she means, and she tells me that Melody's right behind her because Emily was sleeping over at her place. Apparently Melody didn't see anything me and Emily said but I doubt that was true. But anyways, I start talking to this girl that I barely even know, and we talk for hours and hours, i think the exact number was 5, until about 5 in the morning. By the end I had started to really like her and I was happy that she had mutual feelings for me.
A few days later I'm invited to go tabogoning with Melody, Emily, Drew and Corey. Time with Melody? How could I refuse so I came along and has a really great time, we took tons of pictures and just had a great time, Then afterwards Melody, Emily and I headed back to Melody's house to hang out for a while and warm up. We ended up staying there from 5-10. Afterwards I was talking to Emily on msn and she was talking about how much fun Melody had and how whenever i left the room she told her how happy she was that I was there. Hearing that made me soo happy, I was starting to get some really strong feelings for Melody.
Then a few days later Isaac broke up with Melody, even though she didn't care for him as much it still hurt her, and the fact that Isaac refused her friendship as well and just wanted to completely leave her behind. So yea she kinda cared about that.
The next day Melody, Emily, Jack, Lena and I went to go hang out at Melody's house. It was one of the funnest nights ever, we must have taken about 300 pictures that night.
So I talked to Emily a few days later to see how Melody felt about me still and then Emily told me that she isn't ready for a relationship quite yet but I should tell her how I feel about her anyways. I asked a few times if she was sure this is the right thing to do and she assured me it was the right choice. So alright I followed her advice, I expressed my feeling for her in the best way I knew, in a poem. That I gave to her on boxing day when we went shopping just the two of us. I gave it to her while walking through the snow, i thought it was the best time. So yea she seemed to really like it, we went to the movies afterwards, saw yes man but more importantly we just cuddled the whole movie and held hands. Afterwards we went to boston pizza for virgin margaritas and cheesecake haha.
Later on Emily was saying to me how Melody wouldn't shut up about the poem I wrote and how she really liked me. I was starting to feel myself fall in love with her. After that night I couldn't stop thinking about her, she was all I ever thought about or cared about. So when new years came around, alot of freinds gathered for a party and after the countdown everyone ran outside screaming and yelling. All the guys but Jack took their shirts and ran around, Corey even took his pants off and dove into the snow, haha. But then at about 12:02 I went up to Melody gave her a hug and wished her a happy new years. But the hug never ended and soon turned into making out. My heart was racing, I had never felt so happy in my life. When the kiss ended I asked her out, she agreed...after a short pause that is.
At the moment I didn't know what to make of it all i knew was that it wasn't good... Jack and I got Picked up from Drew's house at 1:30am. The whole car ride home I was worrying, Jack was congratulating me but I knew that something was wrong. The two us get back to my house eat some food and then sit at the computer. Melody's online, she said she needed to talk to me... I knew I was fucked. She told me that she didn't think we would work out... she wasn't even willing to give it a shot. She said she got some weird gut feeling or something when we kissed that told her it was wrong. She said it was because she wasn't over Isaac yet, I still don't know if that was the truth. She also said she didn't feel she was ready for a relationship yet, the most common bullshit excuse a girl can give. I don't know maybe she was telling the truth, all i knew is that I just wanted to cry. I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up, i was just crushed. But I didn't cry, not sure why maybe it's because i was too shocked or maybe because Jack was there right beside me but I felt like shit. She then said that she didn't have anything else to say, and then logged off.
Jack and I shut off the computer and that night we talked for hours about it, I didn't want to talk about it but I didn't feel like sleeping either because I knew I couldn't... I was alone again and was just in so much pain. I didn't understand it either, I still don't she liked me so much but all of a sudden discarded me, I didn't even know it was possible. I don't know if she still likes me or if she lost all feellings for me in a matter of hours or what.
But last night we talked on msn again like we did before new years. We talked from 10pm-7am on webcam the last half, I don't know what to make of it all, all i know is that I still love her and as much as I want to I can't just forget about her the same way she forgot about me. Did she even forget about me? All these questions kill me for I have no answers...
But I guess that concludes my first post, Welcome to my exciting and at the moment shitty life!
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